Max my Miracle

When Olivia was diagnosed I thought I can't have a baby, I can't do anything else right now. All my time was devoted to Olivia and figuring this illness out, and it took all of my time. Between measuring and figuring out meals and snacks, to hearing her cry for a hour about her shot, it took all day. I already felt guilty about not having enough time for my boys, (Jack and Harrison) but it consumed all my time and energy. Then we had Max (just about 6 weeks after), and all of a sudden there was this huge shift in the house. Don't get me wrong we still were all over meals and stuff, but now Olivia and the whole family had something else to focus on. We had this perfect baby, to hold, love and take care of. It was like he was a ray of sun, in our dark storm, he brought us back from a dark place, he made us remember and feel things that we hadn't allowed ourselves to. He was truly a miracle, he came exactly at the right time, he was exactly what we needed, even when we thought we didn't.

To this day I would say Max is a ray of sun in this house, it's hard to stay depressed when you look at him. Olivia loves him so much, and I think he's still her best distraction! She is a brave little girl, and she is the best big/little sister you could ask for.

The constant battle

Olivia's sugar is a constant battle, and just when you think you have it under control, or figured it out, it's going to smack you with a reality check. So, in my need to control her sugar my husband and I decided to take her off dairy, she's done great. At 95% of her blood sugar tests she was under 200, which is good. And at most she is around 100, normal. I was very happy over this, honestly I thought maybe I figured this thing out a little bit. And she's done great for about two months, just this past week, we've been getting those high 200's, or 300's. I thought it's her insulin, it's getting close to the end of the month, so last night Tim went and got her new insulin. I just tested her for lunch 367, let me tell you how this feels as a parent. It's a instint punch in the stomach, it can take you from a great day to a horriable day, it makes feelings you bury down deep come flowing up. So I will now consume all my thoughts with "what am I doing wrong", "was it what she ate", "did I not dose her right", and "how can I fix this". Being a parent of a child with type 1 diabetes means there is not a day in your life that your not racking your brain over this disease. Many nights I wake up and just think, it can consume your life!! You see adds and commercials about diabetes, and you think could these things really be in Olivia's future. As a parent you have to say, NO, no I cannot allow these things to happen to my little girl, I have to do better. I'll never forget being in the hospital when Max (our fourth little guy) was born, and seeing the sign that read "Have diabetes, check out our Neonatal ICU", or a hear people talking about this baby born without a eye, because her mothers sugar was so high during prenancy. These are things that never leave you, these are things that haunt me every minute of every day. So some of you may wonder why I'm throwing myself into this team for the walk. Let me answer you, this is the first time I feel like I can really do something, this is the first time where I feel a little control over this disease. I feel empowered, and it feels amazing, can I get us closer to our miracle, YES, I can and I won't stop until I do, because it's the only thing I can do!

My first donation!!!!

I just recieved my first donation on my jdrf website, I'm overjoyed!!!!! I'm really going to pull this off, I'm going to make this team a success with the help of my family and friends. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!! Thank you to Ronda Anger, Pool production, and Prime cuts, your donations are appreciated!!!! I have to say the company my mom works for Allstate, has really stepped up, they have raised $ 1,020, and this is just today. There is no way to say Thank You to people like that, because there is no way for me to put into words how much it means to me. I will say this, it is better than any present, or any kind word, what you are giving to my family is hope, and there's nothing better than that!! Thank you Allstate!

I have finally finished Olivia's webpage on jdrf's website, go check it out!! Anyone who's wishing to make a online donation to Olivia's team can do it here. Tell friends and family, this is a great tax deductable donation!!! Thank you. Here is the link http://walk.jdrf.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=extranet.personalpage&confirmid=87048927

Let's start at the beginning

It was Harrison's first day of preschool, September 11, 2007, Olivia had a docter's opt. when he got out of school that day at 1:15. I had a pit in my stomach that day, I knew this day could change my life forever, and it did. Tim was in California for a VMware conference, but before he left he said to me " You need to take Olivia to the doctor she doesn't look right". Also we had signs, she had wet the bed twice, she never wet the bed, and I couldn't give her enough water. So back to the docter's visit, we went in and they did a urine test, when the nurse came back I knew something was wrong and they told me they needed to poke her finger, so they did. Then the docter came in, she didn't have to say anything to me, I knew from the look on her face, Olivia had diabetes. My life stopped at that moment, was I strong enough to make it through this. They told me I needed to take her to the hospital right away, the room was spinning and I couldn't breath. I tried calling Tim but he was in a class, I called my mom but nothing came out of my mouth but "I need you know", she knew. Dr. Tim came in and tried telling me it was going to be okay, but I thought are you kidding me, nothing will ever be okay agian. Then I took the walk out of the office, sobbing, and everyone patting me on the back, or giving my arm a sqeeze, I wanted to die!!! I dropped off Harrison at Jessie's (my best friend) thank God for her, I took Olivia home to pack our bags and I got in the shower. She sat on the tiolet watching me sob, and said to me " Mommy am I going to die", she was 5 and my baby girl, I wanted to die. But we pulled through, and made it to the hospital, and spent the worst 3 days of my life. My parents came with me, thank god, they started a IV and then we had to do our first shot. Let me give you a mental image I was 8 months pregnant, I had been sobbing for hours and now I had to hold my baby down for her first insulin shot, it was terriable!! That day was like some kind of nightmare, from testing her sugar and shots, and listening to her cry and scream, from telling Tim our only daughter had type 1 diabetes. I made it through the day my parents went home, my friend Julie had Jack, Jessy had Harrison, and Tim was on his way home the next day. And then Olivia went to sleep, I then allowed myself to go into the bathroom and fall completely apart, I stayed up all night crying, begging and pleading that this wasn't true, but nothing will ever change this. The next day I was a mess, I hadn't sleept or ate, and I had been crying for almost 24 hours. Then they drop the bomb on me, I'm going to have to give Olivia her shots today. I thought are they f***king crazy, there is no way I am going to do this! I sat in my bed sticking a needle in a orange and ofcourse crying some more. Then this amazing nurse and my dad got me alone in the room, she insisted on giving me a shot, and she chased me over beds and chairs to do so. I had a couple of anxiety attacks, and then she pinned me in a corner and stuck me in the arm. It didn't hurt that bad, a light turned on in my head, I could do this. I gave my Dad a couple of shots, I have to take a moment to give that man props, he took about 50 or so pokes in the arm that day. And then Harrison (my 3rd child, he was 3 at the time) said " Do me mommy", and he pushed up his sleeve like a little trooper and stood there, what a tough kid!!! So I was on my way, then I did her first finger poke, I was shaking, and I did it a little too close to her nail, she cried and cried. I thought I can't do this, I'm no good at this, I'm hurting her, how do your hurt your baby 8 times a day. Tim got there at night she was glad to see her daddy, but I was filled with rage. I know it wasn't his fault for being gone, but I don't think I will ever get over having to go through those first two days alone. The next day we went home, and had to go to the store to get food. What a long day, we walked up and down aisle's looking at food labels and ofcourse crying. I thought how are we ever going to be normal agian, I now know the answer, you never will be. So now I have a daughter with type 1 diabetes, I recieved very little training, and I was on my own, how well I do, is how well of a life she gets to live. From that day on we were filled with all kinds of firsts, birthday parties, holidays, school, and sickness. I will get into some of those in other posts. For three weeks I went to school with Olivia and sat there all day with Harrison, just in case, I was close to giving birth to Max at this point. The first day I didn't go to school all day was very hard, what if she's low and nobody notices, all kinds of things raced through me head. But she had a wonderful teacher, thank you Mrs. Kline, and I have a wonderful friend there keeping a eye on her, thank you Julie!! Her school is great and I am always welcome there and they care about Olivia, and that means the world to me. So here we are today, almost at a year mark, the worst year of my life by far, but I've also been blessed, Olivia has been healthy for the most part, we had our fourth baby, Max. I have things in my life to thank God about, and I have to also thank God that Olivia has diabetes, (sounds strange hu) it could always be worse! She is here with us, she gets to live a pretty normal life, she gets to run and swim and play, she gets to live with this disease. Thank God!!! My mission now is a cure, it's the only way I can get out of bed in the morning and function, she will be cured of this, I don't care what it takes. So I'm asking if not begging help me make this dream a reality, walk with us on September 13th, just two days from her one year. Help us raise money to find a cure, help me help my daughter to live a normal life, please! I have to have this dream, I have to have something to keep me going. I know alot of you are my friends and you see my crying over this, and you see me put on my brave face, and you also see me act if everything is great. Well it is great, I have four wonderful kids, but I am always thinking about diabetes, I am always thinking about the side effects, I am always praying that this will end some day. Tears are treaming down my face now, I love Olivia soo much it's hard to think of her going blind or loosing a limb or kidney. I have to believe this will never happen, I have to stay strong , I have to do everything I can to help find a cure for Olivia. Thank you to all of you who read my first blog, this blog is only about olivia and her diabetes, I think I'm going to create another about the whole family, a happier one!!