Victory!!!

Proposal 2 passed yesterday, what a victory for all those who are hoping this leads to a cure, including my family!!! I am pleased that there is enough people out there that care for all these children and adults enough to give them hope!! Thank you to all of those who voted YES, who voted YES to give my daughter hope, who voted YES to hopefully helping finding a cure for my little girl!!! Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!!!!

Prop 2

So today is the day. I voted YES on Prop 2, when I know many of my friends are strongly against it. Once again I feel like I'm fighting a battle no one understands. I support every ones decisions, I do feel everyone has a freedom to choose, that's right a freedom to make a choice. Do you want that taken away from you??? Who am I to tell someone what they can and cannot do, I don't have to believe in it, but I'm surely not going to take it away from someone else!!! So whether you voted yes or no, we are all still friends, and while I may not feel the same way as you do it's okay!!

If Prop 2 does not pass it's okay because I know 45 other states are doing the research, and it will be done whether MI is on board or not. So people who voted no, have stopped the jobs that this would bring to MI, so more people will move out of this state to find work. Will it stop them finding a cure, probably not, it may delay it a little but it won't stop it. Fertility clinics in MI will just ship their supply of embryos to other states for research. So if Prop 2 does not pass, I will not be heart broken, I will be okay with it!!! If Prop 2 doesn't pass, maybe I should take a long look at this state and decide if this is where I want to continue paying taxes to.

I feel good about myself, I feel like I can look my daughter in the eyes and say " I tried to spread the word, I tried to make a difference". I hope none of you have to go through what my daughter goes through every day, but if you ever do I know you will understand. What kind of mother would I be, if I didn't do everything in my power to cure my daughter. If twenty years from now Livy is loosing a kidney, going blind, unable to have children, or loosing a limb, what kind of mother would I be if I didn't do everything in my power to stop that from happening!!!

Olivia-

You are a strong little girl, I am so proud of you. I look at you every day and every day you amaze me with your strength. Today I voted on a ballot that could bring us closer to finding a cure for you, today I did do my part in getting you one step closer. I'm lucky your fighter, you will fight along side me one day, and I will fight for your cure until I take my last breath, I promise you!!! I love you so much!!

Love,

Mommy

Halloween!!!

Everyone always asks me "what do you do about Halloween"?? Well here it is, yes Olivia having diabetes does make Halloween a little more challenging, but not too bad!!! First off, I think it's harder on Tim and I, then it is on Olivia some times, this may not be true, but sometimes I feel like the stress of holidays is enough to overtake my life!!! I am very lucky that I've always been pretty strict on the food that my kids eat, so the rule has ALWAYS been, you eat a piece of candy that night, and a piece of candy for lunch for the next week or so, then I throw the rest away!!! So there isn't too much of a fight, the kids know that I don't want a bunch of junk in there bodies!! I really try to preach a very healthy way of eating to my kids, even though we have times when we eat crud, it's not very often!!! I encourage the kids to eat their fruits and veggies, to be healthy people, and to think about what they're eating!! We have a fruit and veggie at lunch and dinner, and most afternoon snacks are a fruit, and if they are hungry in between these times I will always offer them a veggie. We don't eat perfect, that's for sure, but I do the best I can!!! So the short answer here is "NO", no I don't dread Halloween, what I do dread is the stupid rude people that come along with holidays!!! I dread that it's in her face that she is "different", I can't shield her from peoples stupid comments, or the lack of consideration people have!!! So, I make her stronger, and I am stronger, I am stronger for her in hopes that she will see that I don't have to shove my face full of junk to fit into a party, I am comfortable saying no, I am comfortable not following the herd!!! So, yes this Halloween was great, and we enjoyed the holiday just like we always have and we always will!!!

Proposal 2

I have had a few heated debates over this proposal with some family members in the past week. Ofcourse Tim and I are YES all the way, how couldn't we be!!!! The thought of taking something that will be thrown away and turning it into a cure, I have a hard time seeing the moral issue with this. How can anyone look me in the eyes and tell me what is being thrown away is more important than my daughter and thousands others being cured!!! I feel very strongly about this, this could be the break through many families have been waiting for. I urge anyone to take a good look at this proposal, and then think of Olivia and many other kids like her that have a chance at a completely normal life!!!!

We took Olivia to her diabetes opt. last Saturday, and she had her A1C done she was 9.9. That is very high for her, at her last opt. she was 8. We now have to try harder, we had been giving her shot while she ate, now we must crack back down and dose her before she eats. This is challenging because if she's still hungry after she ate what she thought was enough she's out of luck. Hopefully we'll bring her back down to a safer A1C, and we will keep hoping and praying for that day when we don't have to worry about this any longer!!!!

Walking in the rain!!!!

I'm posting this very late, time has just gotten away from me!!! The day of the walk was a monsoon, and we almost didn't walk. Tim and I decided to leave the kids home with Nana and Papa and brave the elements!!! We were surprised to see all the walkers that showed up, I'm guessing probally around 150. I'm glad we walked, we had so many generous donations from people for Olivia, I wouldn't of felt right if we didn't!!!! Team Olivia raised a little over 5,000, thank you to everyone who helped us on this journey, hopefully next year we'll double our donations!!! :)

1 year today!!

September 11, 2007

It's hard to believe that today marks one full year since Olivia was diagnosed. Is seems like it's been so long, and on the other hand the emotions are still so raw it feels like last week sometimes. I've already spent the last couple of days reflecting on the day she was diagnosed, and the days that followed. I often try to remember how it felt, to be so carefree, and I don't remember the feeling, because it's something we all take for granted. You never sit around and think wow I can feed my kids when they're hungry!!! That was then and this is now, so I can't focus on the past, I can only look ahead and do the best I can. I thought I would sit around and cry all day today, but I haven't, it's been like any other day. The only difference is that it brings back memories, but that's okay!

The picture above was on September 11, 2007, Harrison's first day of pre-school, and the day Olivia was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. We dropped him off at school, had a "girls day", then picked him up, grabbed McDonalds for lunch went home for like 20 minutes and let the kids play in the drive-way. I remember talking to my Mom sitting on the front porch, saying what if, but not really thinking that it was really going to be true. It was true.

Looking forward to the walk on Saturday, the weather doesn't look very promising (rain), but that's okay, I will walk no matter what. I just don't think I will bring my kids!! The last thing I need is four sick kids when I'm in Vegas. Thank you to all of those who signed up to walk, and everyone who sent us a donation. Every penny was so appreicated!!!! I can't tell you "THANK YOU" enough!!!!

People and their cupcakes!!!

I had a interesting PTO meeting tonight, I brought up the idea of less sugar in our school, and people got so heated over this. Needless to say this was not a win for me!!! I'm stressed, and have to be honest have had a few drinks, but I just don't understand people. My daughter is a diabetic, this is a life long disease, who could bash me for doing everything I can to keep her as healthy as possiable, right??? Wrong, people are mean, and care more about cupcakes than health of children!!! Why aren't people more supportive of each other, why don't mothers band together and support one another, I just don't understand. If someones child had a allergy or even a weight issue, I would be supportive, and understanding of this, and do what I could do to help with the issues. I feel very alone with all of this, I feel like I'm trying to fight a battle that should not be fought. Can other mother's not put themselves in my shoes and think what it must be like to live your life hoping you've made the right choice, praying you're doing everythink good enough so that in 20 years my child won't be loosing a limb, be blind, or loosing a kidney. Women of this world do not support one another enough!!! Is a cupcake really that important, can children not bring in anything else into school to celebrate a birthday, really???

On another note, this all really happened at a bad time, we're coming up on a year, and it's harder to take than I thought it would be. No, this is really never going to be over, no there's not a day off, there will never be a break, or a time out, this is constant, this is forever!!! Forever. Wow, how some nights I cry for just a normal day when I can say "your hungry, o go get something to eat", a day were I don't have to deny her food, a day where she doesn't have to feel different. I consume so much of my energy trying to make it as easy as possiable for her, but on days when she crys about having diabetes, I know I have failed. This disease makes me feel like a failure all the time. I will never beat it!!! This disease has taken a toll on me, I'm tired, I'm tired of batteling a useless battle, but I will go on because I have to, because I love my child, because it is worth it!! Ugghh, it's just one of those days!!!!

First day of school!!!

It was Olivia's first day of school today, all I can say is holy cow!!! She had a great time, she was so excited to be a 1st grader, but it was a terriable day for me!! Nothing went wrong, but it was so hard to hand her over to this new teacher, that doesn't even know her! It's such a release of control, a release that I must say I'm not really comfortable with!! Olivia's teacher is great and everything, but she's not me, she will never be on top of things the way I am, she has twenty some other kids to take care of too. But for now this is what we're choosing to do, so I have to make it work and make the best of it. She's happy, that's important, and with time I will feel more comfortable, right????

The walk is in two weeks, I can't believe it's almost here!! I hope to have a good turn out, and planning a pot luck here afterwards. I hope to make it a good day, although I know it will be a very emotional day for me, I'm going to try not to cry all day :) This is our lifes now, and nothing I can do can change that, this is a small way of changing it though, I guess!! I lied in bed the other night for hours thinking why not me, why did this have to happen to her, why not me?? I will never know this answer, although I have to believe there is one!!

Updates!!!!

Well first off all she made it, she spent all night at her friends house!!! That was nice for her, they had alot of fun!!! Unfortunately there really isn't any new new's about the walk :( We didn't do very well at the raffle at the dance studio, but we will go back the first week of dance, so I'm sure we'll do better then!!! I've had a few people commit to walk, so that's good, other than that I'm still at my wall!

Olivia's mood has not changed, she's the sweetest little girl one minute, and then you tell her to do something and she turns on you!! She has become so mouthy and defiant! Fun, fun!! We are going to talk to her new teacher today, and she's really excited about starting school, so maybe this will help, we'll see.

Her sugar is still all over the place, but I think I am slowly getting her back on track. It's a battle, but it's one that I am prepared to fight everyday!!

First sleepover, maybe???

Olivia is attemting to spend the night at a friends house, with Jack. This will be her first time, she did try at Jessie's house once but came home. I think she might make it because Jack is with her. It's so hard to let her go, it's just about the hardest thing to do is let her go, let her be away from me. I guess I better get used to it, with school and I'm sure she's going to start wanting to go to friends houses more (yikes). We'll see if she makes it, and see if I make it too :( I just have to keep telling myself, "She'll be okay".

I've got a few walkers now, I'm going to try to list a few, lets see.... The Valentine's, Oliver's, Watson's, Herrington's, Ladwig's, Young's, My parent's, some friends from Gap, Mrs. Kline (Olivia's Kindergarded teacher), and hopefully many more will decide to sign up!!!! That doesn't look like alot when I list them, yikes, I need to keep recruiting!!!

I have great friends!!!!

I just wanted to thank you all for being so darn great!! Alot of you have commented on my page, and thank you and I'm sorry! Thank you for getting on and caring, and I'm sorry I make you cry. It's nice because you know the things I'm thinking that I'm not able to say. Also I have to give my friends a huge THANK YOU, for the things you do. Things like eating around Olivia's schedule, not letting your kids eat when she can't ( I know you have to listen to whining over this ) and wanting to learn about diabetes. I can say not one of you, hasn't been interested in learning how to care for her so she can be at your house without me. I'm glad I have friends like you so we are still able to come over and not have to stress about things. So anyways this post was just to say thank you for all you do, and I hope you know how much I appreciate it!!!

Coming up on a year

We are getting very close to Olivia's one year anniversary of being diagnosed. Doesn't seem like a big deal, right? Well it kinda is, it's a day to think about what if's and a day to think about how much our lifes have changed in a year. I'm a different person I know that much is for sure, Olivia is and will always be different, and our family as a whole has changed and will remain changed forever. Sounds so dramtic when I write it down, but you would have to live a day in my house to understand. Just last night Harrison was still hungry after afternoon snack, I ended up giving him a little something. Olivia came storming into the kitchen "You gave Harrsion something else, that's not fair, he already had something. I thought this whole family was going to eat like me". She went running out of the room crying, and slammed her bedroom door. Wow, I screwed up, or did I, I don't know I look at Harrsion he's all of 32 pounds and he could use a little more. But for her all she sees is someone getting something she can't have. It's like being on a diet, it's really hard not to cheat right? Well, she can't cheat, there is no room for error, there is no room for one more bite, or one more of anything outside of what is given and dosed for. It could be worse, I just have to teach her to be strong, to be stronger than I could ever imagine being! She's such an amazing little girl, I know the road we have ahead of us is long and difficult, but I'm determined to help her through it.

Need Walkers!!!

I have hit a wall with donations, bummer!! I now need to look at another angle, I need walkers!!! I would like around 50 friends, family, even friends of friends to walk with us on September 13th. If I can get 50 walkers, and those 50 walkers raise $100 a piece that would be $5,000 I have $2,o85dollars in donations already so that would bring us to $7,085. My goal is to raise $15,000, so we would be pretty close!!! I have a few other ideas also, I just need to figure them out, and I have a few businesses sellling walk shoes for $1 donation. Prime Cuts, and Nomad Bookstore (Thank You). I am open to anyone who has a idea, or would like to organize a small fundraiser, can email me at oliviajdrfwalk.yahoo.com. My kids have thought about putting on a talent show in the back yard. Jack's goal is to raise $200, so he's been trying to come up with all kinds of ideas!!

Update on Olivia, her sugar has still been running a little high, I just increased her Lantus to 6 1/2 units, hopefully this helps a little. School starts soon, and while I'm ready to get the kids off, I can't help but be afraid of what is ahead of me. Her first year, going to school all day every day, handing over control of her for 7 hours a day 5 days a week. Yikes!!!!!! Good news though is getting back into a strict routine, it will be easier to predict her sugar.

So go out recuite some walkers for me, if you are a walker, raise as much you can.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Max my Miracle

When Olivia was diagnosed I thought I can't have a baby, I can't do anything else right now. All my time was devoted to Olivia and figuring this illness out, and it took all of my time. Between measuring and figuring out meals and snacks, to hearing her cry for a hour about her shot, it took all day. I already felt guilty about not having enough time for my boys, (Jack and Harrison) but it consumed all my time and energy. Then we had Max (just about 6 weeks after), and all of a sudden there was this huge shift in the house. Don't get me wrong we still were all over meals and stuff, but now Olivia and the whole family had something else to focus on. We had this perfect baby, to hold, love and take care of. It was like he was a ray of sun, in our dark storm, he brought us back from a dark place, he made us remember and feel things that we hadn't allowed ourselves to. He was truly a miracle, he came exactly at the right time, he was exactly what we needed, even when we thought we didn't.

To this day I would say Max is a ray of sun in this house, it's hard to stay depressed when you look at him. Olivia loves him so much, and I think he's still her best distraction! She is a brave little girl, and she is the best big/little sister you could ask for.

The constant battle

Olivia's sugar is a constant battle, and just when you think you have it under control, or figured it out, it's going to smack you with a reality check. So, in my need to control her sugar my husband and I decided to take her off dairy, she's done great. At 95% of her blood sugar tests she was under 200, which is good. And at most she is around 100, normal. I was very happy over this, honestly I thought maybe I figured this thing out a little bit. And she's done great for about two months, just this past week, we've been getting those high 200's, or 300's. I thought it's her insulin, it's getting close to the end of the month, so last night Tim went and got her new insulin. I just tested her for lunch 367, let me tell you how this feels as a parent. It's a instint punch in the stomach, it can take you from a great day to a horriable day, it makes feelings you bury down deep come flowing up. So I will now consume all my thoughts with "what am I doing wrong", "was it what she ate", "did I not dose her right", and "how can I fix this". Being a parent of a child with type 1 diabetes means there is not a day in your life that your not racking your brain over this disease. Many nights I wake up and just think, it can consume your life!! You see adds and commercials about diabetes, and you think could these things really be in Olivia's future. As a parent you have to say, NO, no I cannot allow these things to happen to my little girl, I have to do better. I'll never forget being in the hospital when Max (our fourth little guy) was born, and seeing the sign that read "Have diabetes, check out our Neonatal ICU", or a hear people talking about this baby born without a eye, because her mothers sugar was so high during prenancy. These are things that never leave you, these are things that haunt me every minute of every day. So some of you may wonder why I'm throwing myself into this team for the walk. Let me answer you, this is the first time I feel like I can really do something, this is the first time where I feel a little control over this disease. I feel empowered, and it feels amazing, can I get us closer to our miracle, YES, I can and I won't stop until I do, because it's the only thing I can do!

My first donation!!!!

I just recieved my first donation on my jdrf website, I'm overjoyed!!!!! I'm really going to pull this off, I'm going to make this team a success with the help of my family and friends. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!! Thank you to Ronda Anger, Pool production, and Prime cuts, your donations are appreciated!!!! I have to say the company my mom works for Allstate, has really stepped up, they have raised $ 1,020, and this is just today. There is no way to say Thank You to people like that, because there is no way for me to put into words how much it means to me. I will say this, it is better than any present, or any kind word, what you are giving to my family is hope, and there's nothing better than that!! Thank you Allstate!

I have finally finished Olivia's webpage on jdrf's website, go check it out!! Anyone who's wishing to make a online donation to Olivia's team can do it here. Tell friends and family, this is a great tax deductable donation!!! Thank you. Here is the link http://walk.jdrf.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=extranet.personalpage&confirmid=87048927

Let's start at the beginning

It was Harrison's first day of preschool, September 11, 2007, Olivia had a docter's opt. when he got out of school that day at 1:15. I had a pit in my stomach that day, I knew this day could change my life forever, and it did. Tim was in California for a VMware conference, but before he left he said to me " You need to take Olivia to the doctor she doesn't look right". Also we had signs, she had wet the bed twice, she never wet the bed, and I couldn't give her enough water. So back to the docter's visit, we went in and they did a urine test, when the nurse came back I knew something was wrong and they told me they needed to poke her finger, so they did. Then the docter came in, she didn't have to say anything to me, I knew from the look on her face, Olivia had diabetes. My life stopped at that moment, was I strong enough to make it through this. They told me I needed to take her to the hospital right away, the room was spinning and I couldn't breath. I tried calling Tim but he was in a class, I called my mom but nothing came out of my mouth but "I need you know", she knew. Dr. Tim came in and tried telling me it was going to be okay, but I thought are you kidding me, nothing will ever be okay agian. Then I took the walk out of the office, sobbing, and everyone patting me on the back, or giving my arm a sqeeze, I wanted to die!!! I dropped off Harrison at Jessie's (my best friend) thank God for her, I took Olivia home to pack our bags and I got in the shower. She sat on the tiolet watching me sob, and said to me " Mommy am I going to die", she was 5 and my baby girl, I wanted to die. But we pulled through, and made it to the hospital, and spent the worst 3 days of my life. My parents came with me, thank god, they started a IV and then we had to do our first shot. Let me give you a mental image I was 8 months pregnant, I had been sobbing for hours and now I had to hold my baby down for her first insulin shot, it was terriable!! That day was like some kind of nightmare, from testing her sugar and shots, and listening to her cry and scream, from telling Tim our only daughter had type 1 diabetes. I made it through the day my parents went home, my friend Julie had Jack, Jessy had Harrison, and Tim was on his way home the next day. And then Olivia went to sleep, I then allowed myself to go into the bathroom and fall completely apart, I stayed up all night crying, begging and pleading that this wasn't true, but nothing will ever change this. The next day I was a mess, I hadn't sleept or ate, and I had been crying for almost 24 hours. Then they drop the bomb on me, I'm going to have to give Olivia her shots today. I thought are they f***king crazy, there is no way I am going to do this! I sat in my bed sticking a needle in a orange and ofcourse crying some more. Then this amazing nurse and my dad got me alone in the room, she insisted on giving me a shot, and she chased me over beds and chairs to do so. I had a couple of anxiety attacks, and then she pinned me in a corner and stuck me in the arm. It didn't hurt that bad, a light turned on in my head, I could do this. I gave my Dad a couple of shots, I have to take a moment to give that man props, he took about 50 or so pokes in the arm that day. And then Harrison (my 3rd child, he was 3 at the time) said " Do me mommy", and he pushed up his sleeve like a little trooper and stood there, what a tough kid!!! So I was on my way, then I did her first finger poke, I was shaking, and I did it a little too close to her nail, she cried and cried. I thought I can't do this, I'm no good at this, I'm hurting her, how do your hurt your baby 8 times a day. Tim got there at night she was glad to see her daddy, but I was filled with rage. I know it wasn't his fault for being gone, but I don't think I will ever get over having to go through those first two days alone. The next day we went home, and had to go to the store to get food. What a long day, we walked up and down aisle's looking at food labels and ofcourse crying. I thought how are we ever going to be normal agian, I now know the answer, you never will be. So now I have a daughter with type 1 diabetes, I recieved very little training, and I was on my own, how well I do, is how well of a life she gets to live. From that day on we were filled with all kinds of firsts, birthday parties, holidays, school, and sickness. I will get into some of those in other posts. For three weeks I went to school with Olivia and sat there all day with Harrison, just in case, I was close to giving birth to Max at this point. The first day I didn't go to school all day was very hard, what if she's low and nobody notices, all kinds of things raced through me head. But she had a wonderful teacher, thank you Mrs. Kline, and I have a wonderful friend there keeping a eye on her, thank you Julie!! Her school is great and I am always welcome there and they care about Olivia, and that means the world to me. So here we are today, almost at a year mark, the worst year of my life by far, but I've also been blessed, Olivia has been healthy for the most part, we had our fourth baby, Max. I have things in my life to thank God about, and I have to also thank God that Olivia has diabetes, (sounds strange hu) it could always be worse! She is here with us, she gets to live a pretty normal life, she gets to run and swim and play, she gets to live with this disease. Thank God!!! My mission now is a cure, it's the only way I can get out of bed in the morning and function, she will be cured of this, I don't care what it takes. So I'm asking if not begging help me make this dream a reality, walk with us on September 13th, just two days from her one year. Help us raise money to find a cure, help me help my daughter to live a normal life, please! I have to have this dream, I have to have something to keep me going. I know alot of you are my friends and you see my crying over this, and you see me put on my brave face, and you also see me act if everything is great. Well it is great, I have four wonderful kids, but I am always thinking about diabetes, I am always thinking about the side effects, I am always praying that this will end some day. Tears are treaming down my face now, I love Olivia soo much it's hard to think of her going blind or loosing a limb or kidney. I have to believe this will never happen, I have to stay strong , I have to do everything I can to help find a cure for Olivia. Thank you to all of you who read my first blog, this blog is only about olivia and her diabetes, I think I'm going to create another about the whole family, a happier one!!