1 year today!!

September 11, 2007

It's hard to believe that today marks one full year since Olivia was diagnosed. Is seems like it's been so long, and on the other hand the emotions are still so raw it feels like last week sometimes. I've already spent the last couple of days reflecting on the day she was diagnosed, and the days that followed. I often try to remember how it felt, to be so carefree, and I don't remember the feeling, because it's something we all take for granted. You never sit around and think wow I can feed my kids when they're hungry!!! That was then and this is now, so I can't focus on the past, I can only look ahead and do the best I can. I thought I would sit around and cry all day today, but I haven't, it's been like any other day. The only difference is that it brings back memories, but that's okay!

The picture above was on September 11, 2007, Harrison's first day of pre-school, and the day Olivia was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. We dropped him off at school, had a "girls day", then picked him up, grabbed McDonalds for lunch went home for like 20 minutes and let the kids play in the drive-way. I remember talking to my Mom sitting on the front porch, saying what if, but not really thinking that it was really going to be true. It was true.

Looking forward to the walk on Saturday, the weather doesn't look very promising (rain), but that's okay, I will walk no matter what. I just don't think I will bring my kids!! The last thing I need is four sick kids when I'm in Vegas. Thank you to all of those who signed up to walk, and everyone who sent us a donation. Every penny was so appreicated!!!! I can't tell you "THANK YOU" enough!!!!

People and their cupcakes!!!

I had a interesting PTO meeting tonight, I brought up the idea of less sugar in our school, and people got so heated over this. Needless to say this was not a win for me!!! I'm stressed, and have to be honest have had a few drinks, but I just don't understand people. My daughter is a diabetic, this is a life long disease, who could bash me for doing everything I can to keep her as healthy as possiable, right??? Wrong, people are mean, and care more about cupcakes than health of children!!! Why aren't people more supportive of each other, why don't mothers band together and support one another, I just don't understand. If someones child had a allergy or even a weight issue, I would be supportive, and understanding of this, and do what I could do to help with the issues. I feel very alone with all of this, I feel like I'm trying to fight a battle that should not be fought. Can other mother's not put themselves in my shoes and think what it must be like to live your life hoping you've made the right choice, praying you're doing everythink good enough so that in 20 years my child won't be loosing a limb, be blind, or loosing a kidney. Women of this world do not support one another enough!!! Is a cupcake really that important, can children not bring in anything else into school to celebrate a birthday, really???

On another note, this all really happened at a bad time, we're coming up on a year, and it's harder to take than I thought it would be. No, this is really never going to be over, no there's not a day off, there will never be a break, or a time out, this is constant, this is forever!!! Forever. Wow, how some nights I cry for just a normal day when I can say "your hungry, o go get something to eat", a day were I don't have to deny her food, a day where she doesn't have to feel different. I consume so much of my energy trying to make it as easy as possiable for her, but on days when she crys about having diabetes, I know I have failed. This disease makes me feel like a failure all the time. I will never beat it!!! This disease has taken a toll on me, I'm tired, I'm tired of batteling a useless battle, but I will go on because I have to, because I love my child, because it is worth it!! Ugghh, it's just one of those days!!!!

First day of school!!!

It was Olivia's first day of school today, all I can say is holy cow!!! She had a great time, she was so excited to be a 1st grader, but it was a terriable day for me!! Nothing went wrong, but it was so hard to hand her over to this new teacher, that doesn't even know her! It's such a release of control, a release that I must say I'm not really comfortable with!! Olivia's teacher is great and everything, but she's not me, she will never be on top of things the way I am, she has twenty some other kids to take care of too. But for now this is what we're choosing to do, so I have to make it work and make the best of it. She's happy, that's important, and with time I will feel more comfortable, right????

The walk is in two weeks, I can't believe it's almost here!! I hope to have a good turn out, and planning a pot luck here afterwards. I hope to make it a good day, although I know it will be a very emotional day for me, I'm going to try not to cry all day :) This is our lifes now, and nothing I can do can change that, this is a small way of changing it though, I guess!! I lied in bed the other night for hours thinking why not me, why did this have to happen to her, why not me?? I will never know this answer, although I have to believe there is one!!